Principle of Charity

The

Principle of Charity

When somebody says something, I will ...

Remember there are many possible ways to interpret what was said

Explore possible interpretations with an open mind by asking questions, careful listening & thinking

Interpret charitably by assuming good intentions & practicing empathy & trying to understand other views

Answer based on an interpretation that is realistic & charitable

Be constructive and try to make everyone come out better off than before

To help ...

Reduce misunderstandings & conflict

Build trust and respect

Make conversations more constructive

Let's explore this principle using an example!

Example:

A community of squirrels talk about collecting food for the winter

Charly wants squirrels to stand guard in winter Consequence

Charly wants me to feel bad because my stash got robbed Attack

Yes, half of the food was lost but only a quarter was stolen - The rest rotted like we expected Mistake

There is a group that wants to prohibit all forms of sharing food with others - Charly probably belongs to themBelongs to group

Charly is curious to know what I thinkCurious

Charly just wants to sound smart in front of the othersSelf display

CareCharly cares about our safety during the next winter and wants us to make a plan

FearCharly had a tough winter and fears the next one

InvolvementCharly wants to be involved in the planning

...

The Principle of Charity says ... There are many possible interpretations

Not only based on the words but also on tone, body language, setting, ...

Also, your past experience, personality and what you know about the other affect your interpretations.

Hold back

Don't answer immediately based on the first thing that comes to your mind

You might misunderstand what the other wants to communicate and say something that is not constructive

Don't let your emotions take over

Be open to being wrong

Make some room in your head for the possibility that what you think is wrong and that there might be better interpretations

My first thought is that Charly wants us to stand guard in winter. But, maybe I am wrong and he has a different plan.

If we first allow other possibilities, we probably realize we are not quite so sure any more about or initial interpretations

The Principle of Charity says ... Explore possible interpretations

Invest some time exploring before you answer or react towards what was said

Picture yourself as a detective trying to uncover the truth

Keep a set of possible interpretations in your head and try to improve it

Try to find new interpretations

Expand your list and try to keep also less likely interpretations in mind

Something that felt unlikely at first might become more realistic as time goes on

Try to figure out if your interpretations are true or false

Check you theories against reality to make sure they are not just made up

Exploring interpretations helps reduce misunderstandings

Ask questions

Ask them to give more details

Start with an interpretation you think most likely and ask them about it

We are trying to figure out what the other wants to communicate. So getting information directly from them is the most accurate information we can get.

Asking questions is often the best approach to figure out what somebody wants to communicate

Listen

When somebody is talking or you read a message by them try to ...

Listen carefully and put your focus on understanding what they say instead of on coming up with an answer

Also try to pay attention to body language, tone, ... which can make up a big part of what somebody is trying to communicate.

Think

Take some time to think about how to interpret something and listen to your subconscious thoughts and feelings

Charly seems angry to me and I feel attacked. But I don't know Charly that well so I might misinterpret it. Maybe he just really cares about our safety and wants us to make a plan today.

I immediately thought about how brutal it would be to stand guard in winter. But thinking back, that is not what Charly said. He said "protecting our food better" which can mean a lot of things. I should ask him how.

During a conversation it might not be appropriate to pause and think. But you can ask questions and think meanwhile. Or you can think out loudly.

Come back to a conversation

You can resume a conversation later after you had some time to think about what the other said and how to interpret it

Also, pausing a conversation can be helpful in many ways:

You might come back to a conversation with new energy and a fresh perspective

When a conversation became emotional (for example anger building up) having a pause can give some room for these emotions to settle

Get help from others

Seek out the help of others because they might have an outside perspective or know something you don't.

However, do not talk behind someones back. Try to get information by directly talking to them if possible.

While exploring possible interpretations ...

Have an open mind

Try to also find interpretations that do not come naturally to you.

Even if they seem implausible first, don't reject them immediately and try to find a version that seems reasonable.

Acknowledge your bias

While interpreting, we tend be biased and think in ways we are already familiar.

For example, we might stick to a certain view because it is the first thing that came to our mind.

Try to be aware of your bias and try to actively explore outside of it

Learn more about common types of bias

Don't put people in boxes

We can be quick to put others in boxes or associate them with groups.

There is a group that wants to prohibit all forms of sharing food with others. I quickly thought Charly might belong to them but I should not assume that so quickly without getting to know him more.

Instead, focus on understanding the individual.

This can help reduce prejudice & polarization

Don't think in black and white

We sometimes only think in extremes and neglect the grey area in between.

1. We might assume there is a clear right and wrong.

There must be one explanation that explains everything clearly

Instead, explanations can be mixture and incomplete.

2. We might assume others are either fully on or side or completely against everything we do

Charly does not like me and is opposed to anything I say

But they could be anything in between.

Learn from one another

Assume that there is something you can learn from one another and make this your primary reason for interacting with them.

The better we understand one another, the better we can move things in the right direction.

The Principle of Charity says ... Be charitable when you interpret others

... to help make the conversation more constructive and to build trust & respect.

... to help everyone leave the conversation better off than before.

Assume good intentions

Assume the other is not acting malicious and with good intentions

Especially, if you do not know them well enough personally.

Even though it felt like Charly wants to blame me in front of the others I am going to assume for now that he simply wants to make sure we are safe next winter

Even if you know for sure they have malicious intentions, don't respond by being malicious yourself. Instead, set clear boundaries.

Practice empathy

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes

Try to imagine what it is like to be them and why they might think, feel and act the way they do

I remember Charly had a tough winter last year. If my winter would have been this tough, I would probably also stand here and talk like this.

Don't reject their view

... even if what they say might not make sense to you right away

Try to understand their view and figure out a way so that it makes sense to you

At first, I thought Charly's proposal made no sense. But now I think I understand why he suggests it and realized that building new hiding places will become important.

Try to make good ideas be heard even when they are poorly expressed

Forgive mistakes

Don't get caught up with unimportant details even if you spot a mistake or a logical fallacy.

Charly said half of our food reserves were stolen last winter. But I know that only a quarter was stolen and the rest rotted like we expected. But this detail is not important for the main point he is trying to make.

Ignore mistakes that do not affect the core of what the other wants to communicate

The Principle of Charity says ... Focus on interpretations that are realistic & charitable

You explored possible interpretations and thought about how realistic and charitable they are

You feel like you probably know what the other wants to communicate

Put your focus on those interpretation that seems most likely to be true while being charitable

I think it is most likely that Charly cares about our safety during the next winter and wants us to make a plan soon

Even though we made room to allow many different interpretations initially it is important to set a focus at some point

But, keep other less likely interpretations in mind as they might become more likely later

I don't think Charly wants to blame me. But if I get the same feeling again in the future I will ask him about this directly

Which interpretation seem most likely true?

Answering this question with certainty is most likely impossible

But being fairly certain is good enough in most cases

If you are still undecided you should keep exploring and find out more by for example asking questions

Your choice is not final and you can always come back to exploring other interpretations later

At some point choose what interpretation seems to be most likely true but be open to change your mind later

Keep in mind ...

What people say and what they want to communicate can be very different

People might say what they really wanted to communicate only later in the conversation

Or, people might not feel comfortable sharing the real motivations for example in a group

Creating a safe space where people feel comfortable to share their motivations can help

Be constructive

Try to make everyone involved in the conversation leave better off than before

Being "better off" can mean many things like ...

- You feel heard & respected & that you have an impact

- You have a better understanding of the topic or other views

- You made progress towards a solution or even found one

- You learned something valuable to you

Focus on solutions

Some conversations can get stuck in disagreements, unimportant details or dwelling too long on problems

For these kinds of conversations switching the focus on finding solutions can help move things forward

Focusing on solutions can help make everyone leave the conversation better off than before

However, try to make sure to first fully understand the problem and the other views

Otherwise the solutions you come up with might not address the problem well

Strive for better instead of perfect

Most likely a conversation will not result in everyone feeling perfect afterwards

I think Charly would love to have a concrete plan ready today but I am not convinced by his idea and also want to consult the others first

I don't think the outcome of our conversation will make both of us 100% happy but I will still try to make it better than before

Finding a perfect solution that has no potential downsides and everyone agrees might be impossible

Sometimes making things better now is more valuable than spending a long time trying to find something perfect

Try to aim for a better instead of a perfect when trying to communicate in a constructive way

Accept uncertainty

Im most things we do there will be uncertainty

We can never be 100% sure that:

- How we interpret others aligns with reality

I think Charly wants to be involved in the planning because he really cares about our safety. I am going to invite him to our next planning session but there is a chance he might not be interested.

- What we say is constructive

I will suggest we talk about this idea when the others can join as well. But there is a chance that Charly will feel disappointed by that.

- A solution will make things better

Accept that there will be uncertainty and don't let it stop you from trying to move things forward

Avoid "us against them" dynamics

When we feel like someone is against us, our response might be against them

This can escalate until most exchange is just about being against the other side and not about being constructive or finding solutions

Try to think of everyone being on the same team but with different views

Make others feel respected and heard

Try to acknowledge the other person's view even if you disagree

Find common ground

Try to figure out what both of you have in common first instead of focusing on the differences

This might prevent "us against them" dynamics and help make everyone feel like having a shared goal & being on the same team

Don't try to 'win an argument'

When we have different views we can get stuck in an back-and-forth trying to strengthen our view or arguing against their view

As long as no one is willing to depart from their own view and is only trying to strengthen or defend their existing view there can be no resolution

Be open to change your view

Changing your view is not a sign of weakness

It is a sign of your willingness to learn and shows that you do not hold your views too high

It shows you value good arguments and that you prioritize understanding and better outcomes over "being right"

Don't make it your goal that everyone shares your view

Trying to persuade others might be a lot of effort or even impossible

There is also a chance that your view is flawed

People having different views is often beneficial and helps to expose flaws and find solutions that are solid even when viewed from different viewpoints

People can agree and find solutions even if their views are different

Don't speak in absolutes

Don't speak in absolutes and don't use you-statements

In this example "this won`t work" and your accusation "you don't know what you are talking about" sound like you know these things for sure but you probably don't

Speaking in absolutes is often incorrect because most of the time you don't know something for sure

Use I-statements

Don't try to appear to know everything and use I-statements

Instead of saying something absolute like "You are wrong because ..." talk about yourself instead "I do not agree because ..."

Disagree

Once you understand another view and what they want to say you can disagree

Don't tell them something they already know

Don't try to just strengthen your point or weaken theirs

Let the other know that you disagree and try to help them understand why you disagree

After having explored many interpretations and once you feel like you really understand the other view you are now able to formulate a good argument against their view

You can find a good counter argument that addresses their point once you have understood the other view thoroughly

The Principle of Charity is not about agreeing with other people and everything they say

Focus on the core of a disagreement

Sometimes during a disagreement we get caught up in details. Instead, try to find the core of the issue and focus on finding solutions here.